The Last Hero
by thistlemeg
Summary: Prometheus is visiting his Olympian relatives and he decides to teach them an important lesson by convincing them to meddle in a young mortal's life. (aka I get annoyed with the ending to The Odyssey and decide to bash the gods about a bit.)


Author's Note: I wrote this story not long after we read The Knight's Tale, in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, because I was fed up with the Greek Gods. I take Latin and of course we read The Odyssey last year, so I've noticed over the years the Olympians' annoying tendency to mess up people's lives for the heck of it. Plus, they all seemed so stupid. So, I decided it was high time one of us poor, groveling mortals stood up for themselves.  
  
  
  
High on Olympus, the gods were having a party. Dionysus always did throw the best parties, and before long all the gods were hopelessly intoxicated. The talk, as it always did when they were hammered, turned to storytelling. Soon an argument ensued, over who interfered the most in mortal life.  
  
"You're all wrong!" slurred Saturn, standing up on the table. "Don't you remember Arcite and Palamon? Those two both loved Emily, and agreed to settle it by a battle. Palamon prayed to Aphrodite, Arcite prayed to Ares, and both were promised victory. And I, Saturn the Great, arranged it so this could be so. Arcite won the battle, but I caused his horse to throw him, so that he died, and Palamon got the girl!" He drained his ninth glass of wine and sat down with a resounding thump.  
  
"Well," demanded Poseidon, "which of you could have stranded Odysseus at sea for twenty years! And when I finally let him go, I still punished the Phaiakians for helping him!"  
  
"Pah," sputtered Athena. "The man was a fool, it was I who made him great. I led him across the ocean, I led him to Nausikaa. Without me, he would still be with Kalypso!" She was interrupted by a dozen shouting voices.  
  
"Remember Actaeon!"  
  
"Remember Perseus!"  
  
"What about Hercules!"  
  
"I helped Hercules you fools!"  
  
"No, it was I -"  
  
"Remember -"  
  
"I am the King of the Gods, I -"  
  
"Athens is named after me!"  
  
"- so beat that!"  
  
"I turn people into -"  
  
"Oh yeah? Well -"  
  
Prometheus sat, watching the brawl with sardonic amusement. He had been away from Olympus for over two months, and, the Titan reflected with a mental laugh, it was good to be home. Prometheus came and went, and he liked it that way. Not a god, like the rest, he found he had little in common with his foolish relatives. He liked to travel, to spend time with the other gods. He had been in Japan last, and had almost forgotten just how meddlesome these Mediterraneans were. Perhaps it was an effect of the climate.  
  
At last Prometheus jumped up. I might as well have some fun around here, he figured. "Gods!" he said loudly. "Gods!"  
  
They all stopped talking and stared at Cronus' nephew. Quite honestly, Prometheus made them all a bit nervous. A nice guy, really, but after all he had defied them in the beginning of the world, and you could never know if he really had forgiven them for the whole chained - to - a - rock - with - an - eagle - eating - his - liver thing.   
  
Now Prometheus said, "Why don't we have a contest?" There were murmurs of assent from the gods.   
  
"What kind of contest?" Poseidon bellowed, brandishing his triton. Somehow, Poseidon always found a way to consume even more alcohol than the rest. Besides, he was naturally rowdy.  
  
"A contest to test who has the most power over man, of course," Prometheus replied evenly. The gods leaned forward eagerly. "We'll select a mortal, draw up teams, and each team tries to bend the mortal to their will."  
  
"We can send him on a great journey!" bellowed Poseidon excitedly. Athena was nodding in agreement, but Demeter, goddess of agriculture, was frowning.  
  
"We do that every single time," she argued. "Odysseus, Jason and the Argonauts, Perseus, even Hercules."  
  
"She's got a point," Prometheus told them. "Pretty much every hero you guys have ever come up with goes on a long journey of some type." The gods were too drunk to notice the underlying note of sarcasm in his voice, not that they recognized it too often in the first place. The Greek gods were a glorious race, passionate in everything they did, completely absent of cynicism. Deep down, you had to love them, even if they were a bit lacking in the brains department. "How about this," he suggested, "I'll show you some mortals with conflicts, and you can pick which one you want to use."  
  
The cloud next to Prometheus began to spiral until it was a blur, and then a woman could be seen in the air beside him. Multi - colored lights spun around the image and a mic appeared in Prometheus' hand. "Ladieees and Gentleman," he said in his best game show host voice, "Meet your first contestant, Polyyyyyhendra! This beautiful maiden is falling in love with her widowed mother's lover, who is in fact one of her father's bastards. However, everyone else wants her to marry her fabulously rich half - uncle," here a picture of a positively repulsive old man appeared, "who she can't stand. What she doesn't know is that her mother murdered her father, and now his ghost is coming back to haunt her!"  
  
Aphrodite and Artemis, wearing twin grins, simultaneously called out "We'll take her!"  
  
But Poseidon looked annoyed. "Show us the next one! I don't want some delicate flower who's afraid of her own shadow! Besides, love stories make me sick!"  
  
"They would," muttered Aphrodite, and Artemis lamented softly, "I had the nicest willow all picked out for her," but the other gods all seemed to side with Poseidon.  
  
"Okay, next up is the son of Demetrius, the one and only Neseuuuus! This young man was supposedly murdered by his evil uncle as an infant, but he miraculously lived and is now being raised by poor shepherds. The centaur -"  
  
But the gods cut him off before he could get any farther. "Been done!" They all shouted. "Show us something else!"  
  
The Titan shrugged good - naturedly. Everything had gone as he had predicted, now to drop the bait. "The third and last contestant is Teleeeeeeeminos!" The form of a smiling, tanned, muscled young man appeared before them. His tightly curled hair was mocha - colored and he had mischeivous hazel eyes. Prometheus grinned wickedly at the group in front of him. "Look familiar, anyone?"   
  
Ares made a choked sound. Everyone else looked puzzled.  
  
"No?" Prometheus said lightly, looking meaningfully at the war god. "Okay then, let me tell you about him. "Teleminos's stepfather is the duke of Macedonia, Arcedon, but since Teleminos is his mother's bastard, most of the hounds are treated better than him." Just for fun, Prometheus summoned a shot of baying hunting dogs. "The evil duke has just named his idiot son, Acteses as his heir." The Titan showed his relatives Acteses. The boy looked enough like an idiot, which meant the gods would never be convinced otherwise. Prometheus continued, "Now Teleminos must decide whether or not to take action. Being a brave warrior and wise thinker, he truly deserves the dukedom. However, Arcedon, threatened by the young bastard, has offered him the position of ambassador, in order to keep Teleminos away." Building up to the grand climax, Prometheus addressed his audience, "What should Teleminos do? Take up the dukedom by force? Kill his stepfather and stepbrother in stealth? Build up his own power abroad as an ambassador? Or maybe even go hunt down the hydra there's been rumors about, just for kicks?" Prometheus saw that the gods were captivated, and concluded meaningfully, "That, my friends, is for you to decide."  
  
For a moment, there was silence in Olympus. Then all the gods exploded in a soundless roar of approval. As Prometheus had predicted, his Greek friends couldn't resist a delicious mix of adventurous questing and bloody revenge, no matter how they claimed they had tired of the two themes. Already the gods were choosing sides. Ares had established a zealous revenge faction, while Poseidon had great plans for ambassadoric travels. The goddesses were looking through their Maiden Catalog for possible love interests.  
  
In short, everything was going according to plan. 


End file.
